Today I got to sleep until 10:00. Jeff was in a good mood. He got an iphone yesterday. Although he as been on the phone since he got up, trying to activate it! And never mind that the kids had cookies for breakfast and there was instant mashed potatoes all over the floor. I got to sleep in!
I almost done with Numbers. It amazes me how the Israelites saw so many acts of God and yet some continued to sin. I used to think to myself, "If I physically saw Jesus or could talk to God face to face, it would be easier not to sin." Maybe that is why I can sometimes "rationalize" sinning. He is not really here. Like I get to choose when I want him in my life. Thank goodness He never leaves my side.
That is why I love the phrase, "What Would Jesus Do?" Whenever I am watching something questionable, I'll ask myself that question. Or I try to picture Jesus right next to me. Would He sit through this movie or recommend it to a friend? When in all reality, He was a lot more productive with His time than me! Not saying movies or T.V. are bad. I am just trying to make a point that I know better , but do it anyways.
Why are born with this programming? Regret is a sad place to be. I know God will forgive me, but I still have to pay for the consequences.
That's what I love about God. He loves the sinner, not the sin. No one sin is marked higher than another. If I gossip and say hurtful things, I am no better then a murderer. God never writes us off or leaves us hanging. We may try to hide from Him, but He is always there.
There are so many thought floating around in my head and I could ramble on. I am just so amazed how stupid we are and yet......Christ loves us. He is hurt by more people in one minute that we can be hurt in a lifetime. But He still want to be a part of our life and wants a relationship with us! O.K. I am starting to get a little teary eyed. Thank you Jesus for loving me, in spite of my many imperfections!
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
Blogging Insecurities
I love when I get comments from my friends. I look forward to them. I wish I could write more elegant comments. Sometimes you write something and you think, "Should I have said that?". You always want your friends approval. Again, why I love comments.
Luckily, I haven't gotten any negative comments. For me, I've really put myself out there. I would hate to have something ugly written about me or to me.
I wouldn't change anything, I feel like a huge weight as been lifted off my chest. God moved me to start blogging and share what I've been going through. Its free therapy! Try it.
By the way....I indented for you Amanda....but it doesn't show up!
Luckily, I haven't gotten any negative comments. For me, I've really put myself out there. I would hate to have something ugly written about me or to me.
I wouldn't change anything, I feel like a huge weight as been lifted off my chest. God moved me to start blogging and share what I've been going through. Its free therapy! Try it.
By the way....I indented for you Amanda....but it doesn't show up!
I've changed........
for the better. Yesterday was a yuck day, but I am feeling great today. I think the coffee helped. Thanks for going with me Amanda! The dog woke me up a 4 this morning. I took two unisom last night, so I could go back to bed after his morning pee. But the minute I went out the front door, I saw the most beautiful sight. The moon was hanging in the sky between two houses and a tree. There were a few stray clouds covering it. It was so cool to see the clouds look bright white in the dark sky. Needless to say, I really didn't go back to sleep.
The minute I wake up, I start thinking about church. I think about how lucky I am. I am glad God helped me have a change of heart.
When I was struggling to make a decision. I think about all the stupid things I let influence my thinking. I would go out on the Internet. I thought my friends were "brainwashed"! Now I think others probably think the same of me. People used to ask me if I thought my friend would get smart and get out. I desperately wanted that. I hated seeing my closest friend being bashed. I used to think, "When this all blows over.....everyone will be friends again!" I hate conflict. I can't even watch talk shows were people argue. It makes me feel awkward. Which is dumb, because nobody on the T.V. know I am watching. Anyways......
I am not proud of the way I acted or the things I said or the things I agreed on. But you know what's awesome....my C3 family forgives me. They have done nothing but encourage me and show me love. They have never once asked me all the crazy things people said or about the gossip I've heard. Plus, I would never want to hurt them or make them mad.
I now see and feel how much they were hurt. I understand why they moved on and are focusing on the mission God has layed out before them. Before I thought, "Oh, they must be doing something wrong, they won't meet with this person or answer this question!" This was a lie I let myself believe. I was so wrong. I am so happy I get it now. I get why we became C3. I get the vision. I get the plan God has for my life. I've changed. And change is good!
The minute I wake up, I start thinking about church. I think about how lucky I am. I am glad God helped me have a change of heart.
When I was struggling to make a decision. I think about all the stupid things I let influence my thinking. I would go out on the Internet. I thought my friends were "brainwashed"! Now I think others probably think the same of me. People used to ask me if I thought my friend would get smart and get out. I desperately wanted that. I hated seeing my closest friend being bashed. I used to think, "When this all blows over.....everyone will be friends again!" I hate conflict. I can't even watch talk shows were people argue. It makes me feel awkward. Which is dumb, because nobody on the T.V. know I am watching. Anyways......
I am not proud of the way I acted or the things I said or the things I agreed on. But you know what's awesome....my C3 family forgives me. They have done nothing but encourage me and show me love. They have never once asked me all the crazy things people said or about the gossip I've heard. Plus, I would never want to hurt them or make them mad.
I now see and feel how much they were hurt. I understand why they moved on and are focusing on the mission God has layed out before them. Before I thought, "Oh, they must be doing something wrong, they won't meet with this person or answer this question!" This was a lie I let myself believe. I was so wrong. I am so happy I get it now. I get why we became C3. I get the vision. I get the plan God has for my life. I've changed. And change is good!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
I got a nap today
This getting up at 5 is for the birds. I was ready to go back to bed by the time the kids got up. And don't think I didn't try.......I am just to scared that by house will burn down or my son will take another "field trip" down the street.
I thought I would never say this, but I miss work. I think I need a project. I still have Heath's room to decorate and the hallway still needs painting. I won't even mention the wallpaper mess in the kitchen. But none of that excites me. I think it is because I know the moment I start it, the kids will need my attention. You can get really depressed when you start thinking of all the "small" things that need to be done around the house. I am doing good just to keep the house clean and the laundry done.
O.K. I have nothing more to say right now. I am going to take some Tylenol and think about how gross that candy bar tasted, that I thought I wanted!
I thought I would never say this, but I miss work. I think I need a project. I still have Heath's room to decorate and the hallway still needs painting. I won't even mention the wallpaper mess in the kitchen. But none of that excites me. I think it is because I know the moment I start it, the kids will need my attention. You can get really depressed when you start thinking of all the "small" things that need to be done around the house. I am doing good just to keep the house clean and the laundry done.
O.K. I have nothing more to say right now. I am going to take some Tylenol and think about how gross that candy bar tasted, that I thought I wanted!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Spell Check
O.K. if you read something and the word doesn't seem what it should be.....blame my ability to use the spell check correctly!
Why can I be so moody?!?
I hate not having my quiet time in the morning. I tell myself it will be easier to wait until night, when there are less distractions. Night comes and then I am to tired. It's easier to veg on the couch. Then I feel guilty.....I had plenty of time, I just choose to do other things. By the end of the night I was in a bad mood. Really for no reason.
This morning is already better. I was able to have my quiet time and coffee! The two always go together. I love starting in the old testament and flipping forward into the new testament. I am learning some many new things I never really saw before. I read a little in Mark this morning too. I guess I never realized how the Pharisees looked at Jesus as being evil. They didn't like his teaching style or the way he questioned their traditions and customs. In Mark 3:1-6 , Jesus went into the synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there. He was being watched closely so they could find a reason to accuse Him of breaking the law. They wanted to see if He would heal the man on the Sabbath. Jesus didn't violate the Ten Commandments, but He refused to obey man-made laws. Instead of the Sabbath being seen as God had intended, it had become a joyless ritual because of Pharisees' regulations.
I think about my worship on the Sabbath. How many times I've I gone to church, because I was supposed to go, God would be disappointed if I didn't go. I guilted myself into going. It had become a joyless ritual for me. I was not experiencing true worship! It's ironic. I loose all the programs and activities that I thought were important or would make me a better Christian, and now I am closer to Christ than I've ever been. I am experiencing true worship! I am experiencing a real relationship with Christ! God is awesome! I feel like a new Christ Follower. It's sad that I thought I had to do all these things to look "good" in God's eyes. Not that these things are bad. I just did them for the wrong reasons. Selfish reasons. I don't ever want to fall in that trap again.
It's funny how we take such an ownership in our church. What I've forgotten is church is for the unsaved. For people who aren't perfect. For people who don't know Christ and His blessings. If I make church a place that meets my needs, I forget about the needs of the unbeliever. I've been meeting my needs for too long. But times have changed and I am new person!
This morning is already better. I was able to have my quiet time and coffee! The two always go together. I love starting in the old testament and flipping forward into the new testament. I am learning some many new things I never really saw before. I read a little in Mark this morning too. I guess I never realized how the Pharisees looked at Jesus as being evil. They didn't like his teaching style or the way he questioned their traditions and customs. In Mark 3:1-6 , Jesus went into the synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there. He was being watched closely so they could find a reason to accuse Him of breaking the law. They wanted to see if He would heal the man on the Sabbath. Jesus didn't violate the Ten Commandments, but He refused to obey man-made laws. Instead of the Sabbath being seen as God had intended, it had become a joyless ritual because of Pharisees' regulations.
I think about my worship on the Sabbath. How many times I've I gone to church, because I was supposed to go, God would be disappointed if I didn't go. I guilted myself into going. It had become a joyless ritual for me. I was not experiencing true worship! It's ironic. I loose all the programs and activities that I thought were important or would make me a better Christian, and now I am closer to Christ than I've ever been. I am experiencing true worship! I am experiencing a real relationship with Christ! God is awesome! I feel like a new Christ Follower. It's sad that I thought I had to do all these things to look "good" in God's eyes. Not that these things are bad. I just did them for the wrong reasons. Selfish reasons. I don't ever want to fall in that trap again.
It's funny how we take such an ownership in our church. What I've forgotten is church is for the unsaved. For people who aren't perfect. For people who don't know Christ and His blessings. If I make church a place that meets my needs, I forget about the needs of the unbeliever. I've been meeting my needs for too long. But times have changed and I am new person!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Smoke
Kaelyn and I were on the porch, while Heath was taking a nap. Kaelyn wanted the circle chips. I sent her in the kitchen to get them. I should have checked on her. She came out saying the kitchen smelled funny. I run into the kitchen and see it is filled with smoke. I look for flames. I can't seem to figure out where it's coming from. Now I am starting to panic. I frantically ask Kaelyn what is from. She points to the microwave. I look in it. I smell smoke, but I don't see anything. She points to the floor. Joey(the beagle) is eating a burnt dog biscuit. Kaelyn decided to cook it for her, in the microwave. I just got done airing out the house. I think I am going to look for a job....it was easier working!
The best practical joke every played on me
I was living in an apartment complex off Econ. I had moved over the summer with some friends who needed a roommate for a couple of months, since their roommate had gotten married. Once summer was over, I planned on moving in with my friend Michelle. She lived in the same building, just opposite side and upstairs. I was starting to get sick and was resting from moving everything. My old roommates wanted me to go back and clean up my room/bathroom. I waited until night, because I felt horrible. I was running a fever and had lost my voice. This apartment only had light in the bathroom and kitchen. You had to have lamps to light the rest of the rooms. I had started on the tub. Deep into scrubbing, the light went off. I look and see this large man coming towards me with pantyhose on his head. I tried to scream, but nothing came out. So, I immediately started crying. Paul felt horrible at once and by friend Michelle quickly put the lights back on. Once I calmed down.....I started laughing! It was a really good practical joke.
O.K. as I am writing this, I think of another joke I played on Jeff. Sometimes before Jeff would take a shower, he would "sit" and browse the computer. Well, before he got in there....I took his B.B. gun and hid in the shower. I was trying to figure out the best time to jump out. I knew he would be mad if I got him while he was on his "throne". So, I waited patiently for him to finish. He got undressed and started to get in. I jumped out with the B.B. gun. He screamed...and he fell to the floor in the fetal position. I think this one beats filling his water bottle with ocean water at the beach!
O.K. as I am writing this, I think of another joke I played on Jeff. Sometimes before Jeff would take a shower, he would "sit" and browse the computer. Well, before he got in there....I took his B.B. gun and hid in the shower. I was trying to figure out the best time to jump out. I knew he would be mad if I got him while he was on his "throne". So, I waited patiently for him to finish. He got undressed and started to get in. I jumped out with the B.B. gun. He screamed...and he fell to the floor in the fetal position. I think this one beats filling his water bottle with ocean water at the beach!
Monday, June 25, 2007
More Thoughts
I don't ever want to loose this feeling of excitement and newness I have found in the Lord. I am glad that I became a Christian at 15, I am just sad it has taken me this long, to go this deep with HIM. Thank you Jesus that you wipe the slate clean and forgive me of my sins. I don't feel like a "fake" anymore.
One of the reasons I started blogging, is I felt I was hiding. I could tell anyone what they wanted to hear, but they would never know my heart. I've heard that some people are really ticked off about the blogs they read. Maybe from my blog or maybe my friends blogs. I am sure some might think I've joined a cult and went of the deep end with the rest of them. Guess what, "I love the deep end! I no longer want to swim in shallow water." I even plan to go deeper. I wouldn't trade this change in my life for anything. This blogging helps me be honest. No surprises. I can't hide. I love being real and seeing my friends being real. My blog is a daily reminder of who I am, who I want to be and how much I want to grow. I know if I stop writing, I've lost my focus. I will know I put God on the side burner again. Using that same old selfish excuse, that I'll get more serious later. (especially since I know I am already going to heaven).
I used to go to bed sick at my stomach every night. I didn't sleep. Now I go to bed, excited, thinking about tomorrow and what God has planned for me. Much better than being angry, confused, and out of God's will for my life! Not saying this is the easier road, but it is the blessed road!!
One of the reasons I started blogging, is I felt I was hiding. I could tell anyone what they wanted to hear, but they would never know my heart. I've heard that some people are really ticked off about the blogs they read. Maybe from my blog or maybe my friends blogs. I am sure some might think I've joined a cult and went of the deep end with the rest of them. Guess what, "I love the deep end! I no longer want to swim in shallow water." I even plan to go deeper. I wouldn't trade this change in my life for anything. This blogging helps me be honest. No surprises. I can't hide. I love being real and seeing my friends being real. My blog is a daily reminder of who I am, who I want to be and how much I want to grow. I know if I stop writing, I've lost my focus. I will know I put God on the side burner again. Using that same old selfish excuse, that I'll get more serious later. (especially since I know I am already going to heaven).
I used to go to bed sick at my stomach every night. I didn't sleep. Now I go to bed, excited, thinking about tomorrow and what God has planned for me. Much better than being angry, confused, and out of God's will for my life! Not saying this is the easier road, but it is the blessed road!!
It's Raining!
Today I thought I would just write about different things that POP in my head. After I finished by blog last night, I started think about a mission trip. I think I need to see how truly blessed I am. I remember my youth group went on a World Changers Mission Trip and I wouldn't go. I was not about to sleep on the floor. Plus it didn't sound like any fun to me. I now wonder what I missed out on. I also wanted to go to Brazil. My church growing up, goes once a year. I think I convinced myself I wasn't "Christian" enough. I think about the Youth Group at (as I am writing this, someone just got in an accident at the four way stop, I thought it was a gun shot!)my church leaving soon for their trip. I am a little jealous. Last year I went with them to Centrifuge. I has such a great time with the girls in my cabin. I wish I was going with them this year. I just don't think my husband would want me to leave again. It is stressful to try and find babysitters. Plus, there will be a ton more opportunities. But the next time God opens a door, I am going to jump at it. I am ready to sleep on the floor. Even though I will miss my awesome Tempra Pedic Mattress!!!
I am getting really excited about Moving to the Movie Theater. I keep thinking about all the new people it will attract. I already picture the worship service in my head. I am smiling thinking about it. Secretly I am more excited about the seats. I hope I can sneak in food and drinks in my purse. Just kidding! It is also great because no one can feel like they "own" the church. Plus we will be closer to all the restaurants and beat the other churches to lunch!!!
Well this is all I have for now.....look for more later tonight!
I am getting really excited about Moving to the Movie Theater. I keep thinking about all the new people it will attract. I already picture the worship service in my head. I am smiling thinking about it. Secretly I am more excited about the seats. I hope I can sneak in food and drinks in my purse. Just kidding! It is also great because no one can feel like they "own" the church. Plus we will be closer to all the restaurants and beat the other churches to lunch!!!
Well this is all I have for now.....look for more later tonight!
Sunday, June 24, 2007
What would I give up?
I think about the movie Schindler's List. Before I start blogging, here is an excerpt from the end of the movie:
Oscar Schindler: I could've got more ... I could've got more, if I'd just...I could've got more ...
Stern: Oscar, there are eleven hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them.
Schindler: If I'd made more money...I threw away so much money, you have no idea. If I'd just ...
Stern: There will be generations because of what you did.
Schindler: I didn't do enough.
Stern: You did so much.
Schindler: This car. Goeth would've bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people, right there. Ten people, ten more people...(He rips the swastika pin from his lapel) This pin, two people. This is gold. Two more people. He would've given me two for it. At least one. He would've given me one. One more. One more person. A person, Stern. For this. I could've gotten one more person and I didn't. I didn`t ..."
This hits me hard. What have I given up for one more person to know Christ? What am I willing to give up for one more person to know Christ? Could I rationalize selling my house and giving away the profit, if just one person would know Christ? Maybe I would do it if 100+ people gave their live to Christ. Would I do it, if I could control how the money was spent? I am convicted....I have such a selfish nature. I sometimes think God is going to punish me because I could have given more. You know what.....I punish myself for missing out the joy of giving! I think of all the unnecessary materialistic things I have wasted money on, that could have furthered the Kingdom of God. I am ashamed of the things I throw away. I pray for God to convict me of my giving. I pray that I stop listening to my selfish desires. If I had lived in Schindler's time, I could have saved 10 people or more with my purses alone. Not to mention what my shoes could have done!
All this being said, I should be willing to give whatever it takes for one more person to know Christ!
Oscar Schindler: I could've got more ... I could've got more, if I'd just...I could've got more ...
Stern: Oscar, there are eleven hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them.
Schindler: If I'd made more money...I threw away so much money, you have no idea. If I'd just ...
Stern: There will be generations because of what you did.
Schindler: I didn't do enough.
Stern: You did so much.
Schindler: This car. Goeth would've bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people, right there. Ten people, ten more people...(He rips the swastika pin from his lapel) This pin, two people. This is gold. Two more people. He would've given me two for it. At least one. He would've given me one. One more. One more person. A person, Stern. For this. I could've gotten one more person and I didn't. I didn`t ..."
This hits me hard. What have I given up for one more person to know Christ? What am I willing to give up for one more person to know Christ? Could I rationalize selling my house and giving away the profit, if just one person would know Christ? Maybe I would do it if 100+ people gave their live to Christ. Would I do it, if I could control how the money was spent? I am convicted....I have such a selfish nature. I sometimes think God is going to punish me because I could have given more. You know what.....I punish myself for missing out the joy of giving! I think of all the unnecessary materialistic things I have wasted money on, that could have furthered the Kingdom of God. I am ashamed of the things I throw away. I pray for God to convict me of my giving. I pray that I stop listening to my selfish desires. If I had lived in Schindler's time, I could have saved 10 people or more with my purses alone. Not to mention what my shoes could have done!
All this being said, I should be willing to give whatever it takes for one more person to know Christ!
C3 Is For ME!
I was so mad at myself this morning. I thought I had all the time in the world. Even thought I got to church early(for my coffee). It slipped my mind that church started at 10:00, not 10:30! I made it on time last week. Oh, well.....my mind sometimes! I just hate walking in late.
At least I made it to the sermon. Which was awesome. Sometimes I forget how much Satan wants me to fail, wants to confuse me, and makes me doubt. I almost let him talk me never going back to church again. How sad! I was very selfish. I was consumed with how all the "junk" affected me. Me, me , me. I go back to the thought of how many blessings I missed out on. How many people I could have reached for Christ, instead of indulging in self pity! Self Pity is not your friend!!
I've always felt I look at life with a glass half empty. I love to complain and make snide comments. For the past year, every time I would pull in the church parking lot, I would count the cars. I thought, "What a shame. The parking lot used to be so full!" This is how I judged God working in a church? I thought Satan was attacking my church, because we were a so called "water-downed church"! Boy was I wrong! Satan is attacking my church, because we are reaching a community of unbelievers. A community that won't go to convention churches. And Satan does not want God's work being done by his followers.
This being said, C3 is for me. And I am not going to miss out anymore, in what Christ has planned for me!
At least I made it to the sermon. Which was awesome. Sometimes I forget how much Satan wants me to fail, wants to confuse me, and makes me doubt. I almost let him talk me never going back to church again. How sad! I was very selfish. I was consumed with how all the "junk" affected me. Me, me , me. I go back to the thought of how many blessings I missed out on. How many people I could have reached for Christ, instead of indulging in self pity! Self Pity is not your friend!!
I've always felt I look at life with a glass half empty. I love to complain and make snide comments. For the past year, every time I would pull in the church parking lot, I would count the cars. I thought, "What a shame. The parking lot used to be so full!" This is how I judged God working in a church? I thought Satan was attacking my church, because we were a so called "water-downed church"! Boy was I wrong! Satan is attacking my church, because we are reaching a community of unbelievers. A community that won't go to convention churches. And Satan does not want God's work being done by his followers.
This being said, C3 is for me. And I am not going to miss out anymore, in what Christ has planned for me!
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Some of my favorite moments this week.
Heath said Target.
The puppy slept through the night because he was sick.
I discovered an avocado tree in my back yard.
There is a family of bats in my neighborhood.
Dumping the crap out of my dyson canister.
Watching reruns of the Office.
Shopping by myself.
Heath finally got his sister back!
All by myself...
I just finished an evening out by myself. I went to Carrabbas and had a margharita pizza. All by myself.....and went shopping.....all by myself. It was kinda nice....today was kinda nice. I spent most of the day with friends out by the pool.
I am looking forward to church and coffee. I know exactly what I want. Life is good.
I have never been more at peace. Even if "challenges" are thrown my way, I am excited to see what God will teach me next.
I am looking forward to church and coffee. I know exactly what I want. Life is good.
I have never been more at peace. Even if "challenges" are thrown my way, I am excited to see what God will teach me next.
Friday, June 22, 2007
The Easter Bunny will never be same....
O.K. sometimes I get deep, so I thought I would add a little humor. Many of you know I love practical jokes. I am really surprised this one didn't get me fired. Right before Jeff and I got married, I was working at a Private School in Orlando. During the summer we ran a sleep over for first grade all the way to eighth grade. It was starting to get late and most all the kids were watching a movie in their sleeping bags. A couple of us teachers decided to check out the stock room in the back. While we were being nosey, I ran across an Easter Bunny costume. A light went off in my head! How can we scare the older kids with this outfit? Well......long story short, I talked a teacher into wearing all black and putting just the head on. I went out in the corridor where the older kids were, to set the scene. I had another teacher use her cell phone to call the school's phone. I played it off that it was the police warning us of a criminal on the loose wearing an Easter Bunny costume. I told the kids they better stay put and not think of sneaking out, it was too dangerous. The kids started getting a little scared and talking about how the Easter Bunny costume was a little weird. During all this the teacher with the head snuck off out the back door. We considered having her hold a knife, but quickly changed our minds! She stood at the corner, throwing coke cans at the glass. Trying to stir the kids attention. Then all at once she came running by us. But, while she was running her head got turned around and she couldn't see. She ran right into the glass. The bunny's head came right at us. Right away 12 and 13 year olds started screaming and crying. Both the boys and girls! I was of course laughing uncontrollably.
It took me over a hour to calm them all down and convince them it was all a joke. I just waited the next day for phone calls from parents and a call into the principal office!
It took me over a hour to calm them all down and convince them it was all a joke. I just waited the next day for phone calls from parents and a call into the principal office!
The People Rebel
I just finished reading Numbers chapters 11-14. I remember reading this to my class in the fall. I kept thinking how it reminded me of what my church was just beginning to go through. This is how I relate it.
Moses called some men to explore the land of Canaan. For forty days they explored the land. They came back talking about how the land flowed with milk and honey. Just like God had promised. Then came the But! They went on to tell how the people who lived there were powerful......descendants of Anak, who were exceptionally strong and tall. Caleb was the only one to silence the people before Moses, saying they should go up and take the land. Unfortunately, the goodness of the land was offset by fear.
That night the community of people got together to grumble and complain. They were ready to choose a new leader and head back to Egypt. They even went as far as talking about stoning Moses and Aaron.
Long story short, God was ready to destroy them. Moses argued to save the people who rejected Him. In the end, God punished them. He sentenced them to die in the desert. For Forty years they wandered.
I was the one who grumbled. I listened to everyone else because of fear. I was missing out on what God had planned for me. It is amazing what fear and lack of trust in God can do.
I had to learn a very hard lesson. I missed out on too much already. I spent the last year crying, sick, sad, depressed, angry, and confused. I was searching in the wrong places, with the wrong motives.
Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and closing my ears to gossip. Thank you for my church, the staff, and my friends. Most of all I thank you Lord, for giving me a desire to reach the lost. I am ready to Love!
Moses called some men to explore the land of Canaan. For forty days they explored the land. They came back talking about how the land flowed with milk and honey. Just like God had promised. Then came the But! They went on to tell how the people who lived there were powerful......descendants of Anak, who were exceptionally strong and tall. Caleb was the only one to silence the people before Moses, saying they should go up and take the land. Unfortunately, the goodness of the land was offset by fear.
That night the community of people got together to grumble and complain. They were ready to choose a new leader and head back to Egypt. They even went as far as talking about stoning Moses and Aaron.
Long story short, God was ready to destroy them. Moses argued to save the people who rejected Him. In the end, God punished them. He sentenced them to die in the desert. For Forty years they wandered.
I was the one who grumbled. I listened to everyone else because of fear. I was missing out on what God had planned for me. It is amazing what fear and lack of trust in God can do.
I had to learn a very hard lesson. I missed out on too much already. I spent the last year crying, sick, sad, depressed, angry, and confused. I was searching in the wrong places, with the wrong motives.
Thank you Lord for opening my eyes and closing my ears to gossip. Thank you for my church, the staff, and my friends. Most of all I thank you Lord, for giving me a desire to reach the lost. I am ready to Love!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Just in time!
A month ago my oreck started smelling like smoke. So, I took it apart and cleaned it the best I could. It ran after that and no smoke. But, it really vibrated when ever I used it. It sounded like it was sick! It cleaned my bare floors fine, but the carpet never did seem clean. Needless to say, for the past three weeks I've been reading up on the Dyson. I just hated the thought that it cost more than my first car.
I finally found a deal on Linens and Things. So I ordered it and picked it up today. It was fairly simple to assemble. I couldn't wait to use it. Well let me tell you, it was amazing. I cleaned a 4 x 4 area and had to dump it right away. I did this three times just in my family room. In fact, I am considering doing that room again. There is something to be said about watching dirt fill a container. O.K my life is a little dull!
I figured I would keep my oreck for the bare floors. I ran it in the living room on the wood floor, just a bit ago. It started to smoke again. I think I made the right decision to get the Dyson. The oreck had a good run. Almost nine years. He will be missed.
I finally found a deal on Linens and Things. So I ordered it and picked it up today. It was fairly simple to assemble. I couldn't wait to use it. Well let me tell you, it was amazing. I cleaned a 4 x 4 area and had to dump it right away. I did this three times just in my family room. In fact, I am considering doing that room again. There is something to be said about watching dirt fill a container. O.K my life is a little dull!
I figured I would keep my oreck for the bare floors. I ran it in the living room on the wood floor, just a bit ago. It started to smoke again. I think I made the right decision to get the Dyson. The oreck had a good run. Almost nine years. He will be missed.
HUGS
I need intervention. There are very few people that I feel comfortable Hugging or let Hug me. My husband is the same way. It's not that I don't love these people or like them. I just can't explain it. My body tenses up. You would think I must have been traumatized has a child. But just the opposite. My parents always loved on me.
I am not writing this because I want people to stop hugging me, I just want to get over it. I want to enjoy hugs. Like I said,"I need intervention!" Help!
I am not writing this because I want people to stop hugging me, I just want to get over it. I want to enjoy hugs. Like I said,"I need intervention!" Help!
Random Thoughts
I enjoy sitting on the sidewalk, waiting for my puppy to pee late at night. Everyone is tucked away in bed or ending their evening. Last night was beautiful. The wind kept breezing by, I loved the way it felt on my face. I was being all sappy thinking of all the amazing things God made with his hands. The moon, the stars, the clouds, etc.......
I couldn't sleep last night. I was craving a diet coke for dinner, big mistake! I started thinking about my Grandmother. She's my mom's first husbands mother. She been a part of my life since birth. She's my half-sister's grandmother. She is going to be 88 tomorrow. I got really sad thinking she doesn't have too many years of quality life left. And even more sad, she's never accepted Christ as her Savior(as far as I know). I want to write her a letter telling her how much she means to me and how one day I want us to be reunited in Heaven.
Then, I started thinking about other friends and family in my life who don't know Christ as their personal Savior. God put these people in my life for a reason. I am convicted that I haven't shared more with them. So I pray that opportunities will present themselves. I pray God will give me the wisdom for the right things to say.
I couldn't sleep last night. I was craving a diet coke for dinner, big mistake! I started thinking about my Grandmother. She's my mom's first husbands mother. She been a part of my life since birth. She's my half-sister's grandmother. She is going to be 88 tomorrow. I got really sad thinking she doesn't have too many years of quality life left. And even more sad, she's never accepted Christ as her Savior(as far as I know). I want to write her a letter telling her how much she means to me and how one day I want us to be reunited in Heaven.
Then, I started thinking about other friends and family in my life who don't know Christ as their personal Savior. God put these people in my life for a reason. I am convicted that I haven't shared more with them. So I pray that opportunities will present themselves. I pray God will give me the wisdom for the right things to say.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
My husband just asked me.......
would you want to move to San Francisco? Uh........Uh.......? Is God in San Fran? Just Kidding! He told me it was a possibility, I think he is just jumping the gun. He is excited about his new project. They are trying to sell a program they built for the web. I really didn't understand it all, I was trying to grasp the thought of moving. It made me a little nauseous! I'll support him in any decision he makes. Cause I am a good wife, tee-hee!
When your the most happiest......
Satan will attack. Last night I started thinking about my blogs. I started doubting myself. What are you thinking? You haven't really changed! You can't lead others to Christ. You life is really a mess and no one will respect you or take you seriously. (all in my head-I converse a lot with myself!) But, I stopped myself real fast. I was aware that Satan wants me to doubt, he doesn't want the lost to be saved.
Then I started thinking about all the people and friends who have moved on to other places, but are still bitter and angry about "the changes" or can't be truly happy for C3's vision. I ask you to put your focus on how many people have come to know Christ. Because in the end, it is what really matters. When lives are being changed and one more is going to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, Satan attacks.
I lost my focus when I wanted church to be for me and not for the lost. So, focus on the things that bring you closer to God, the things that will change your life or enable you to help change others. Jesus Others Yourself-JOY!
P.S- if you can't tell by my blogs, I am overly excited about the change in my life. It's amazing what two weeks of alone time can do! I've never been more excited than I am today and about the future.
Then I started thinking about all the people and friends who have moved on to other places, but are still bitter and angry about "the changes" or can't be truly happy for C3's vision. I ask you to put your focus on how many people have come to know Christ. Because in the end, it is what really matters. When lives are being changed and one more is going to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, Satan attacks.
I lost my focus when I wanted church to be for me and not for the lost. So, focus on the things that bring you closer to God, the things that will change your life or enable you to help change others. Jesus Others Yourself-JOY!
P.S- if you can't tell by my blogs, I am overly excited about the change in my life. It's amazing what two weeks of alone time can do! I've never been more excited than I am today and about the future.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
This blogging thing is the ........
.....best thing! I feel released. I've decided it's not good to hold things in. But anything I write about, I want to feel God would be pleased. Because those of you who know me well, know my mind travels to gutter sometimes! I am amazed at the things that come out of my mouth. I guess that's what makes me human.
I just had a conversation with a friend about my going back to C3. I will probably have more, because some people thought I would never go back. I have many reasons, one being, I know that if I go back to a traditional church I will sit on the sidelines waiting to be feed or inspired. I know this is not true of everyone, I am speaking only for myself.
I've been a Christian for 15+ years, I can think of one person I've lead to Christ in all that time. I never worried about my church friends because I assumed they were saved or the pastor would save them. If I think about, how many people coming to church were "unchurched" it isn't many. Most people raised Baptist look for a Baptist church when they move to a new town (of course I am just speculating) . So, the church becomes mostly filled with "Baptist". And I know people get saved in the Baptist church, because I did. And I know there are different churches for different people. I guess what I am saying is, I have enough friends who love Jesus and I am feed through my bible and prayer, that I am I don't need all the "services" and "hours spent down at church" to be a good Christian. Which is one of the reasons I thought about leaving. I wanted all those events we used to have back! What I love about C3's vision is that I will have the opportunity to reach the unsaved, instead of sitting on the sideline. Like I said, I wanted the church to serve me, instead of me serving the church. So say or think what you want, but I feel I am in God's will. And unless God calls or sends me elsewhere, I am staying put. God has called me out of my comfort zone . I am so excited about the future. I am excited about leading more people to Christ! No one but Christ has influenced my decision. So please, just be happy for me. If your not and your confused, just pray God will give you understanding. I expect some of you are saying, but wait what about this or what about that. You know they do this and they do that. I used all those excuses, because I was mad about the changes. I am sticking 100% behind my church. GOD IS CHANGING LIVES, ESPECIALLY MINE!
I just had a conversation with a friend about my going back to C3. I will probably have more, because some people thought I would never go back. I have many reasons, one being, I know that if I go back to a traditional church I will sit on the sidelines waiting to be feed or inspired. I know this is not true of everyone, I am speaking only for myself.
I've been a Christian for 15+ years, I can think of one person I've lead to Christ in all that time. I never worried about my church friends because I assumed they were saved or the pastor would save them. If I think about, how many people coming to church were "unchurched" it isn't many. Most people raised Baptist look for a Baptist church when they move to a new town (of course I am just speculating) . So, the church becomes mostly filled with "Baptist". And I know people get saved in the Baptist church, because I did. And I know there are different churches for different people. I guess what I am saying is, I have enough friends who love Jesus and I am feed through my bible and prayer, that I am I don't need all the "services" and "hours spent down at church" to be a good Christian. Which is one of the reasons I thought about leaving. I wanted all those events we used to have back! What I love about C3's vision is that I will have the opportunity to reach the unsaved, instead of sitting on the sideline. Like I said, I wanted the church to serve me, instead of me serving the church. So say or think what you want, but I feel I am in God's will. And unless God calls or sends me elsewhere, I am staying put. God has called me out of my comfort zone . I am so excited about the future. I am excited about leading more people to Christ! No one but Christ has influenced my decision. So please, just be happy for me. If your not and your confused, just pray God will give you understanding. I expect some of you are saying, but wait what about this or what about that. You know they do this and they do that. I used all those excuses, because I was mad about the changes. I am sticking 100% behind my church. GOD IS CHANGING LIVES, ESPECIALLY MINE!
Name Tags
Friday night I was watching 20/20. This guy Scott had on a name tag like you get at a conference. It said, "Hello my name is......Scott" He wears it everywhere. He even has it tattooed on his chest. Here is an excerpt:
'Hello, My Name Is Scott'
Speaker and author Scott Ginsberg, 27, has no problem finding people to talk to. "I've probably had encounters with over 100,000 people," Ginsberg said.
His popularity is fueled by an accessory that may make most people uncomfortable: He always wears a name tag.
"What is with the name tag? Well, I get that probably three to five times a day. And it's been approximately 2,237 days that I've been wearing this 24/7," he said.
Ginsberg feels the name tag represents friendliness in a world filled with strangers. In fact, he started his marketing business, "Hello My Name Is Scott," when he was just 22. He now makes more than six figures a year from book sales and speaking engagements. (from 20/20's home page)
Can you imagine? Just by wearing a name tag, this guy now makes six figures! The whole idea really made me think....How great it would be to start learning the name of people you see out and about. Like at the grocery store or pharmacy(my favorite place!). Kinda like in Mayberry! We live in such a busy world, it is so hard to invest in new people and even strangers. You never know how some one's life may be blessed or even bless you, just by making a connection with someone. I think this really affected me because I am not friendly. What I mean by that is.....I am so scared and shy, I am afraid to start a conversation with a stranger. I will just be quiet and get lost in my thoughts. Plus I am a big people watcher! I always let someone else initiate the conversation. I am even like this with friends. There are only a few people I will call on the phone, just because I always feel like I will inconvenience someone. I am scared of rejection, but yet don't care what people think. Or do I? I get this from my Grandma. She is the same way. If I am at a party, I always go were it is the quietest and fewest people are.
It amazes me how God make each of us so unique. Imagine if all our personalities were the same. Life would not be boring! Anyways....don't be surprised if you see me wearing a name tag the next time you see me. (Really I am not that bold!)
Monday, June 18, 2007
I am not done
I just got my son back. I sent Kaelyn and him on the porch to watch TV. Kaelyn comes back in and says brother is gone. I go outside and sure enough he is gone! The gate wasn't latched. The dog and Heath were not in the front yard either. I start to panic. I was still in my PJ's. I was about to call the police. I look down the street. Heath and the dog were walking back with a neighbor, half way down the street. Needless to say, I wouldn't be surprised if DCF shows up later today. All this before 1:00 p.m. I can't wait for his nap time!
Everytime I leave the room for a minute......
He crawls in the sink to brush his teeth. Way to go practicing good hygiene!
He gets my cutco knife out of the drawer and takes the safety cardboard off. I'll be surprised if he keeps all ten fingers.
This week he has spilled the pepper, salt, and seasoning salt on the floor. All at different times. He now knows how to pull the chair from the kitchen up to the counter. And of course he always spills it after I just finished cleaning the floors!
And just yesterday he fell not once, but twice, in spilled bubbles.
We never tire of the oven trick!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Happy Father's Day-I love Church Again!
Today was my first time at my church in a long time. I was nervous about going back. I figured today would seal the deal for me. Would I really want to go back? Yes! I can't explain the peace I felt and the moving of the Holy Spirit. I don't think I would have felt it, if I hadn't spent time praying and searching for the answers from God(instead of others). In some ways I wish I could start the whole past year over, but then I would have missed out on such a spiritual awaking. I read my bible in a different light now. I used to read this verse or that verse and try to find inspiration. I never dug deep. I have learned more lately, than I've learned in a lifetime.
I am now in Numbers. Which it definitely has a lot of numbers. I am amazed at how special God held the Israelites. I wonder what was going on with the rest of the world at this time? What was Europe like? I could go on...
It also amazes me to see God so violent.
There was a question in my bible, "Why kill someone who wanted to be close to God? Num. 1:51-53
The answer(from my bible): Because God is holy, sin cannot survive in his presence. A sinner will die in the light and power of God's holiness except when God makes special provision. God's ultimate provision was Christ, but here he used the tents of the Levites to form a protective barrier around the tabernacle, preventing the Israelites from accidentally wandering in God's holy presence. Aren't we glad God sent Christ as the ultimate sacrifice ?!?
Anyways, back to church. I loved every part of it. The music and message were wonderful! I know that I am supposed to be there. I know that God is going to change lives. I know people are being saved and will continue to be saved. I am also looking forward to moving to the theater. Which I can say made me really sad at first. Change is good. Change is necessary! It makes you dig deeper.
My biggest regret was hurting my best friend. Through all of this, she has let me search, let me talk trash, and let me figure out things for myself. Plus, I am sure the praying helped too! You are a true friend, you are my sister! You welcomed me back this morning, like nothing had ever happened. I am here for you and I am going to do my best to support and protect you. I am excited for the changes God is making in our 30's. I haven't felt this alive in a long time! Just don't ever move!
All this being said, I am having a great Sunday!
I am now in Numbers. Which it definitely has a lot of numbers. I am amazed at how special God held the Israelites. I wonder what was going on with the rest of the world at this time? What was Europe like? I could go on...
It also amazes me to see God so violent.
There was a question in my bible, "Why kill someone who wanted to be close to God? Num. 1:51-53
The answer(from my bible): Because God is holy, sin cannot survive in his presence. A sinner will die in the light and power of God's holiness except when God makes special provision. God's ultimate provision was Christ, but here he used the tents of the Levites to form a protective barrier around the tabernacle, preventing the Israelites from accidentally wandering in God's holy presence. Aren't we glad God sent Christ as the ultimate sacrifice ?!?
Anyways, back to church. I loved every part of it. The music and message were wonderful! I know that I am supposed to be there. I know that God is going to change lives. I know people are being saved and will continue to be saved. I am also looking forward to moving to the theater. Which I can say made me really sad at first. Change is good. Change is necessary! It makes you dig deeper.
My biggest regret was hurting my best friend. Through all of this, she has let me search, let me talk trash, and let me figure out things for myself. Plus, I am sure the praying helped too! You are a true friend, you are my sister! You welcomed me back this morning, like nothing had ever happened. I am here for you and I am going to do my best to support and protect you. I am excited for the changes God is making in our 30's. I haven't felt this alive in a long time! Just don't ever move!
All this being said, I am having a great Sunday!
Friday, June 15, 2007
Bleep'in Toothpicks
I lost the cap to the toothpicks a couple of months ago. They've been sitting quietly in the cabinet. I decided yesterday I better move them before I drop them. I wasn't sure where I wanted them, so I left them out on the stove. Sure enough, later that day I knocked them all over the floor. I debated throwing the ones that were safe on the stove away.....but then thought, " I will want those one day and I'll be mad I threw them away" So, I put them back in the container and decided to put them safely on the frig. Well 5 min ago, I knocked the bleep'in things all over the floor again. Needless to say, they have found their final resting place in the trash. Good Riddance!
My Morning
2:00am- Heath crawls in bed.
5:00am-Dog barks, pee everywhere, put back in cage
6:30am- Dog parks, morning begins
6:40am- Clean pee off dogs and floor
6:45am Heath is up.
7:00am Attempt quiet time. Finished Leviticus!
8:00am-9:30am I tried to sleep on the floor, while Heath watched T.V.
9:30am More coffee!
5:00am-Dog barks, pee everywhere, put back in cage
6:30am- Dog parks, morning begins
6:40am- Clean pee off dogs and floor
6:45am Heath is up.
7:00am Attempt quiet time. Finished Leviticus!
8:00am-9:30am I tried to sleep on the floor, while Heath watched T.V.
9:30am More coffee!
The Meltdown
Last night I attempted to take my son to dinner at 7pm, with only having a hour nap and getting up at the crack of dawn! He was a mess. In and out of the high chair. Screaming so everyone could enjoy their meal. Rolling under the table and crawling under chairs. Under normal circumstances, I would have left. But I wanted Kaelyn to enjoy Emma's birthday. Being the good mom that I am, I even went as far as to give him cupcake before dinner. I ask myself......why do I torment myself? Why did I attempt dinner knowing he would have a meltdown? Because I'll never learn my lesson!
I remember going to Chi-Chi's with my cousins. We would have 4 adults and 4 children. I now know why there were Margarita's on the table. It makes the whole experience more pleasurable! Ha!
I remember going to Chi-Chi's with my cousins. We would have 4 adults and 4 children. I now know why there were Margarita's on the table. It makes the whole experience more pleasurable! Ha!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
My First Blog Jitters
I was up most of the night with a thousand thoughts running through my head. I just spilled my guts over the Internet. I had such a high when I was done writing it. It felt good to release all the things running around in my head. On the other hand, I still have that dreaded thought...What will people think? I guess when it comes down to it, really only one opinion matters. The One I have to answer to when I get to the pearly gates!
I am slowly learning that I need to seek His approval first. I also am learning to try and be slow when reacting. Which is hard to do! Just ask my husband. It also helps to be a little medicated! But I'll save that for another post.
For the past week, I've been reading Leviticus. Imagine if we lived in their time. I would have already been stoned. (Thank You Jesus, for changing that!) So many rules and ceremonies. The one thing that really struck me, was their sense of community. God wanted their fellowship with Him and with each other.
I think about churches long ago that ate together after the service. Kinda like on Little House on the Prairie. Could you imagine ? I would love it, but my husband would hate it. I love to chat and hang out after church. He's already got the kids in the car before I make it out of the sanctuary. Point being....I love fellowshipping! I just want someone else to do the work-Ha!
I am always full of good ideas, I just don't want to execute them or be in charge. I am definitely a follower. Mostly because of my fear of rejection. But I am going to get over that!
I am slowly learning that I need to seek His approval first. I also am learning to try and be slow when reacting. Which is hard to do! Just ask my husband. It also helps to be a little medicated! But I'll save that for another post.
For the past week, I've been reading Leviticus. Imagine if we lived in their time. I would have already been stoned. (Thank You Jesus, for changing that!) So many rules and ceremonies. The one thing that really struck me, was their sense of community. God wanted their fellowship with Him and with each other.
I think about churches long ago that ate together after the service. Kinda like on Little House on the Prairie. Could you imagine ? I would love it, but my husband would hate it. I love to chat and hang out after church. He's already got the kids in the car before I make it out of the sanctuary. Point being....I love fellowshipping! I just want someone else to do the work-Ha!
I am always full of good ideas, I just don't want to execute them or be in charge. I am definitely a follower. Mostly because of my fear of rejection. But I am going to get over that!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Am I crazy...most definetly yes!
First I like to say, I am so glad this thing has spell check. I've debated over the past two weeks joining the blogging world. It wasn't until I started reading my friends, that I became inspired.
I got an itching for another dog. And before I knew it......I had a 16 week old Weimaraner. It has cured me of any chance of wanting a third child. I now wake up and start my morning between 6:30 and 7 am. Way to early for summer! Especially since I've been getting up early for the past 10 months to teach. I guess that's the problem. I need to get up and have this quiet time to myself. I am reading my bible and journaling. I also get to enjoy coffee again. I was so used to having it made at work for me!
I feel the need to confess my most inner and outer thoughts. This past year has been a wild ride. I thought the drama stopped when you became an adult. I guess my life would be boring and I would have nothing to talk about....if there wasn't any drama!
Every since school has been out, I have spent the past two weeks praying and asking God a lot of questions. I feel like I am in a place where I can think a little more clearer now and not be influenced by my surroundings. I am looking to my bible for answers. I feel like I am reading it in a whole new light.
I've grown up a "Baptist" pretty much my whole life. Church was done one way and you didn't mess with that. People who lifted their hands during worship or got a little too charismatic were stared out and usually found another church. People who dressed different or seemed "different" to their standards.....were gossiped behind their backs. I can also remember thinking how people were so quick to judge others for drinking, when their tongues were much more hurtful. Of course I am no saint, I choose to judge also. I judge people and situations that were meant for only God to be the judge.
I sat on the sidelines when new people came to church. Afraid of making new friends or what these new people might think of me. It takes me a long time to really warm up to someone new. I was and am jealous of those who can walk up to anyone and start a conversation. Something I need to get over.
Just for those of you reading and not following this, I jump around a lot. But it is my blog and I can do it how ever I want. This is how my brain works!
Back to church. I can always remember thinking, I wish our church sang more modern songs and had more spunk to the service. I would loose my concentration and venture off to another place! That's what I loved about my church during college. We were a little more contemporary. People lifted their hands and it was OK. We even had a praise team and drums! Most of the songs I had sang came out of a hymnal. I felt like I was at youth camp every Sunday. I had been content for the past 12 years. Once I had my daughter in 2003, I became even more involved. I loved choir and Wednesday nights. I was even making more of a regular attendance. Life was good. Church was good. And then the changes started.
I was really excited. We were going to make church more inviting to the unchurched. "Connect the Community with Christ" I felt like I could finally invite family and friends. Especially since we were getting rid of that "Baptist Stigma"!
The first wave of commotion was painting the back of the church black in the worship center. My initial thought were, "How can the ruin this beautiful sanctuary? Who's going to want to get married here?" Here I thought I wanted change.....only if it met my standards! Eventually it grew on me.
The point is, so many changes began a whirlwind affect. Because church no longer seemed like church. Sunday school was gone, Wednesday night dinner was gone, choir every Wed. was gone, etc..... I hated the thought of Life Groups outside the church doors. I didn't want to drive all over or not get the chance to see my class all the time. I became a "Hater"! I became selfish. I wanted my church back.
Long story short.....I don't care anymore about those things I thought I wanted. I tried going to another Baptist church. I loved it and hated it. I loved the familiarity and hated the familiarity! Why was I running away? Because almost everyone ran away? I hated the conflict between friends. I used the excuses and reasons I thought made sense for leaving. I abandoned ship because I thought if enough people did, we would get our church back. Well guess what, God has different plans. I cannot control the situation, nor do I want to! I am learning my own words," Let Go, Let GOD!" I was so caught up in the drama and the legalism, I lost focus. How many people have I brought to Christ this past year? How many people have I shown God's grace to? How many times have I gossiped instead of praying with that friend? Who am I to judge?
I am ready to go back. Some are going to think I am crazy. Especially after all I've heard and seen. All I've said. Why would I go back? Because God is leading me there. I've been more focused since I left work than I've been all year. I've had time to myself with no pressures! I know the things that matter and don't matter to me anymore. I am ready to serve instead of be served. I ready for "unconventional church". I ready to support my friends and my church. I am ready for a new adventure! I am moving on!!!!!
I got an itching for another dog. And before I knew it......I had a 16 week old Weimaraner. It has cured me of any chance of wanting a third child. I now wake up and start my morning between 6:30 and 7 am. Way to early for summer! Especially since I've been getting up early for the past 10 months to teach. I guess that's the problem. I need to get up and have this quiet time to myself. I am reading my bible and journaling. I also get to enjoy coffee again. I was so used to having it made at work for me!
I feel the need to confess my most inner and outer thoughts. This past year has been a wild ride. I thought the drama stopped when you became an adult. I guess my life would be boring and I would have nothing to talk about....if there wasn't any drama!
Every since school has been out, I have spent the past two weeks praying and asking God a lot of questions. I feel like I am in a place where I can think a little more clearer now and not be influenced by my surroundings. I am looking to my bible for answers. I feel like I am reading it in a whole new light.
I've grown up a "Baptist" pretty much my whole life. Church was done one way and you didn't mess with that. People who lifted their hands during worship or got a little too charismatic were stared out and usually found another church. People who dressed different or seemed "different" to their standards.....were gossiped behind their backs. I can also remember thinking how people were so quick to judge others for drinking, when their tongues were much more hurtful. Of course I am no saint, I choose to judge also. I judge people and situations that were meant for only God to be the judge.
I sat on the sidelines when new people came to church. Afraid of making new friends or what these new people might think of me. It takes me a long time to really warm up to someone new. I was and am jealous of those who can walk up to anyone and start a conversation. Something I need to get over.
Just for those of you reading and not following this, I jump around a lot. But it is my blog and I can do it how ever I want. This is how my brain works!
Back to church. I can always remember thinking, I wish our church sang more modern songs and had more spunk to the service. I would loose my concentration and venture off to another place! That's what I loved about my church during college. We were a little more contemporary. People lifted their hands and it was OK. We even had a praise team and drums! Most of the songs I had sang came out of a hymnal. I felt like I was at youth camp every Sunday. I had been content for the past 12 years. Once I had my daughter in 2003, I became even more involved. I loved choir and Wednesday nights. I was even making more of a regular attendance. Life was good. Church was good. And then the changes started.
I was really excited. We were going to make church more inviting to the unchurched. "Connect the Community with Christ" I felt like I could finally invite family and friends. Especially since we were getting rid of that "Baptist Stigma"!
The first wave of commotion was painting the back of the church black in the worship center. My initial thought were, "How can the ruin this beautiful sanctuary? Who's going to want to get married here?" Here I thought I wanted change.....only if it met my standards! Eventually it grew on me.
The point is, so many changes began a whirlwind affect. Because church no longer seemed like church. Sunday school was gone, Wednesday night dinner was gone, choir every Wed. was gone, etc..... I hated the thought of Life Groups outside the church doors. I didn't want to drive all over or not get the chance to see my class all the time. I became a "Hater"! I became selfish. I wanted my church back.
Long story short.....I don't care anymore about those things I thought I wanted. I tried going to another Baptist church. I loved it and hated it. I loved the familiarity and hated the familiarity! Why was I running away? Because almost everyone ran away? I hated the conflict between friends. I used the excuses and reasons I thought made sense for leaving. I abandoned ship because I thought if enough people did, we would get our church back. Well guess what, God has different plans. I cannot control the situation, nor do I want to! I am learning my own words," Let Go, Let GOD!" I was so caught up in the drama and the legalism, I lost focus. How many people have I brought to Christ this past year? How many people have I shown God's grace to? How many times have I gossiped instead of praying with that friend? Who am I to judge?
I am ready to go back. Some are going to think I am crazy. Especially after all I've heard and seen. All I've said. Why would I go back? Because God is leading me there. I've been more focused since I left work than I've been all year. I've had time to myself with no pressures! I know the things that matter and don't matter to me anymore. I am ready to serve instead of be served. I ready for "unconventional church". I ready to support my friends and my church. I am ready for a new adventure! I am moving on!!!!!
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